2000 U.S. CLUB "TOP TEN" – OPEN

Its time for all the hype to begin, when diligent Open and Women's teams are rewarded for their hard work and improving level of play. There have already been several tournaments this year featuring high-caliber teams and fortunately I have been able (as usual) to scout out teams that have attended these events.

The results may surprise you. But I have put much effort and good faith into the top ten. I think you will be pleasantly surprised.

1. CBASS -- This town of small-minded, big-headed permanently-collegiate people has finally made it to number one in the polls. Of course, they love polls down there. After an eternity of playing like chumps (only Chesapeake made Semifinals, in 1994) and losing most tournaments, the boys from Washington DC finally have stupidly hit on the idea that the team with an acronym has won Nationals 11 straight years. Now, it is their turn. Congrats Sea Bass!

2. Joey Gray -- The "inventor of Co-ed" is coming to Sarasota too, so watch out pretenders! Joey also has an acronym -- UPA -- which stands for Unique People Association. Whatever that means. Whenever Joey is on the field, or near it, or 2000 miles away she means business so teams should not take her lightly. With one stroke of the executive pen the WUFF Warriors will be turned into a quivering, blubbering mess of dogshit. One nod to board member Parinella and DoG folds, on cue. Observers at Nationals? Not this year and certainly not Jon Shepard. There's only one oligarch in Ultimate and opposing teams should tread lightly.

3. Raspberry Jam -- Raspberry (Strawberry, Grape, Blackberry -- your pick) has perpeutally faltered and is perpetually picked to make semis. This year I think it can happen! Flash thinks so as does Luke Smith and some other Northwestern dolts, just like they've thought every fricking year. But this year (like every) IS different. The mighty curse of Mike O'Dowd has been lifted!!! Yes, O'Dowd is nowhere to be seen, so they say, meaning that the Jammers may have finally disappeared the famously grumpy ex-Chicagoan that spiritually led the Bay Area Happinessers to an ignomious 21-12 defeat to DoG in1994 finals. The Bay Area has never been the same since O'Dowd and his pooch took that field but maybe now in 2000 they can exorcise the "Curse of the Windy CIty". Also, I heard that these guys have stopped whining.

4. Dog -- Yes, only fourth because we must remember that Jim Parinella pointed out that no team that has won Tune-Up has failed to make semifinals. Or was it that no team that played in Tune-Up made Worlds? No, I think it was that every team that has skipped Tune-Up has either made semis or finals but has then lost in the Santa Barbara Classic, in odd years only, losing in Regionals on even years. Whatever obfuscation you choose to believe from DoG's latest round of RSD smack-talk is up to you. Just remember that these geeks out will out-geek you if you get personal with them, like the government did with Bill Gates. Which is why CBASS will defeat them. And also no one really likes geeks.

5. Sub Zero -- Let's not forget the Borg! Winners of nothing except Midwest Regionals, which is we know a grand joke. But this year the frozen nice guys take home the coveted 5th place, falling a notch down from last year's semifinals. I've heard rumors that Yertle the Turtle finally landed in jail for pretending to be a viking and pillaging nearby Brainerd (like a certain movie hero) and Paco's mesh hat melted into his brain one exceptionally sweaty August day. And watch out for Allon Katz, last year's New York captain who wisely left that sinking team to join one with a real shot. Too bad they will lose to the Condors in pool play 3 times.

6. New York Dumb Squad -- Defying all expectations, these dullards and whelps who thought it wise to "forget the past" and eliminate the WSL All Star name in favor of Stanford's 2000 moniker will make it farther than expected at Nattys. Sure they lost to No Mas, Blackjack, Sea Bass, Philly and Chain Lightning and nearly Neo at Chop Tank but that doesn't mean they're chumps. What it means is that they are nice guys, albeit a little slow mentally, and losing is, well, part of the game isn't it? The addition of Bickford will give them a strong face to throw at their opponents and all those memories of past New York teams will undoubtedly shut down a few opponents, right?

7. Jon Gewirtz -- Finally he makes the switch to Pepsi. Many are elated, others distressed. Does Pepsi have enough caffiene? Does it have that electric flavor that will get Jonny G to run faster? Pepsi marketers in Purchase, NY (home of the company) think so and have signed him to a 3-year contract. No, that's not true.

8. Condors -- Yeah, so they won 1979 "Nationals" over a bunch of college kids. Doesn't count. Same goes with 1978. These revisionists will try anything to maintain a pedigree of winning. They have even emulated Mama Dobyns by having Papa Seidler set up the tent, take photos, maintain the website and shed tears when the sunny stalwarts falter yet again in finals. This year is a new roster with some of the same old Black Tide goons and some new Black Tide goons but I think these always cocky Ultimate scenesters will finally fall in pool play despite beating Sub Zero 3 times and Jam twice.

9. Ring of Flame -- Can these old geezers keep up with some of the younger whips at Nationals? Can Augie not turf critical forehands? Can Stick finally get his G.E.D.? Will Hinkle trip over his clown feet? Is that red-haired kid still playing with them? Can River win one for his brother? Does anyone care?

10. WUFF Warriors -- Here it is time for a long discussion on the nature of Mike G. We know that he is an insensitive egotistical cock, but he can also be quite charming, honest, funny and smart. He's not very literate, we know, but he has a literate mind. On one hand he is good for the sport -- generating controversy and fostering opinions either good or bad. On the other hand, he is retarding the growth because people mistake his unredeeming social skills for his Ultimate policies. We know he was too much of an asshole to captain the UNCW men properly and yet just enough of an asshole to captain the UNCW women to victory in 1995 (or whatever year that was). We also know that he is, in some respects, a winner having won College Nationals twice with the ECU Irates. But the Irates were unrepentant cheaters who took advantage of every stupid SOTG ambiguity and are thus losers despite being Champions. Wow, what a bundle of contradictions, eh? Fortunately, I've heard rumors that Mike G is slowly going insane from all the pressure that is exerted on his overtaxed cranium on a daily basis. The lithium is apparently working adversely and Mike G will likely be incapable of playing when Nationals rolls around.

11. Pack of Lies -- Speaking of assholes, this team may be the biggest group of them yet. With testes the size of tennis balls (from all the steroids) and brains the size of peanuts, this pack of Portland peckers will shock everyone again this year by making Nationals and then choosing to go to Club Med with Charles Schaeffer instead. Good enough to earn a number 11 preseason ranking.

Has-Beens

Angry Monkey (can't beat a bunch of Germans? or was it Swedes? losers)
Smackeye (sure they'll get some new Cojo, but who cares)
Second Wind (who?)
Chain Lightning (should change name to "Bomb Squad")
Brian Harriford (where?)
New Orleans (will never make it to nattys)
Undertow (its over for Florida ultimate)
Blackjack (who?)

Stay tuned for next week's top 10 women's teams

Bored with the usual lame RSD babble and officially not going to Nationals, I posted this top ten list to Rec Sport Disc in effort to piss off as many people as I could. However, the results were adverse and I got many compliments, although more than a few people thought it was a "real" top ten. I decided to go ahead and write one up for the Women as well, but you won't see that here.

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