WASHINGTON DC -- The two researchers working feverishly to decode the Human Genome have discovered a cold, evil blast from the past when the code spelled out GAT A TAT A TAT-TAT, the famous words mouthed by Al Capone just before he was sentenced to Federal prison for income tax evasion in 1931.

Dr. Carl Venter and Dr. Eugene Besplyyst have been working on the Human Genome Project separately for three years, desperately trying to put together the pieces of the DNA puzzle. DNA, or Deo-riboNucleic Acid, is made up of four components: adenine, cytosine, guanine, and thymine which are commonly referred to as A, C, G, T.

"I was working on a strand of 430 million letters and came upon a sequence that scared the shit out of me," reports Dr. Venter, "The strand was in the male chromosome responsible for gang-related criminal activity, and a very long string spelled out GAT A TAT A TAT-TAT repeatedly for maybe 500,000 iterations. It was spooky."

"I can collaborate what my friend is speaking of," says Dr. Besplyyst, "I came across what we now call the 'Al Capone strand' and also discovered another, less intelligible sequence that spells out AT TAG A CAT, BAG A GAT, TATA TATA TAT TAT ZZZZZAT. We fill in missing letters with Z, you must understand. Still, I think this is saying something."

Investigators are working towards unraveling the sequencing messages which they now believe will point the way to Capone's hidden deposits of gold.

"This may sound really strange, but Al Capone was an archetype for human males. His life was played out as direct result of his -- and all of ours' -- genetic code. This helps explains why he was also such a popular celebrity and why he died of syphilis. He was the most true-to-life human we have yet to know," explains assistant researcher Dr. Carl A. Gustafson. "Now we hope to find the hidden gold, which we believe will be made clear when we decipher more code to give us clues as to how Al Capone thinks and acts."

"I think it's buried under the Chicago Canal! Or maybe in the vault of the Chicago Stock Exchange!" said a giddy Dr. Besplyyst.

Other Discoveries

The wire service UPA, United Press Associates, has published a report that reveals direct evidence that certain doctors working on the Human Genome Project have signed a contract with Slimfast to patent any potential dieting breakthroughs.

Doctors Harold Nickerson, Stan Smagala, and Courtney B. Love have admitted to having signed with Slimfast and Ultra Slimfast to patent genetic code manipulations that may cause obese people to dramatically lose weight. The doctors have reported that changes in certain sections of the several-billion long chain of code will cause humans to permanently change from an endomorph body type (what we call fat) to an ectomorph body type (commonly referred to as skinny). The doctors have dubbed the new dieting technique "Fatboy Slim".

There has been a firestorm of controversy surrounding Slimfast's involvement with the Human Genome Project. Accusations have been leveled that Slimfast is only in it for the money and has no concern for the life-altering potentialities of messing with the genetic code. Indeed, many groups have pointed out that ideally, Slimfast customers are born to be fat when they want to lose weight they would contact Slimfast and their team of paid doctors to alter their code and change the course of human life in the process.

This sort of manipulation is of grave concern to moralists and theologians who place great responsibility with the natural human. However, Slimfast has promised several prominent Religious groups millions of dollars to keep quiet.

Alpha Male

Researchers have also verified that everyone is somehow related to an 18,500 year-old humanoid named Igor who spread his seed across the entire land in a worldwide fucking spree.

Igor's original genetic code, dug up on the island of Bali where he apparently died surrounded by thirty-two females, matches the code that we have today whereas earlier code samples from pre-Humanoid man is of different variation. Igor's code, the researchers have discovered, has been fused into every generation since his legendary time on earth.