STRAW POLL RESULTS: McCAIN DECLARED NEW MESSIAH; GORE VOWS TO CRUCIFY

by P.A. LEONARDO IV

FEB 28, 2000, CENTREVILLE-Nebraska. The McDonald's Straw poll held here today revealed that John McCain has continued to gain popular support in his quest for the Presidency. The poll, of national significance because it is the first to pit all the potential candiates in the national election against each other, closed this evening at 9:00 pm Central Standard Time when the McDonald's on Tipton road in downtown Centreville closed for the evening. 37 people received voting straws when they "SuperSized" their soft drink and the results confirm that the national fervor for Our Hero John McCain has not subsided; indeed it has only grown stronger.

The Poll, conducted by McDonald's, AOL Time Warner, and Tom Osborne Chevrolet, with assistance from CNN, TNT, TNN, and the CCP, in conjunction with Hustler, was done with full support from the Democratic Party, Republican Party, and the newly resurrected Whig Party, home to Minnesota Governor Jesse Ventura.

Republican John McCain won, staying ahead of Democrat Albert Gore by 6 percentage points, while Republican George W. Bush finished third, Democrat Bill Bradley fourth, and write-in candidate Ronald McDonald, apparently a choice of more than one young voter, placed fifth. Whig Jesse Ventura is clearly unelectable and received no votes.

"I'm going to beat Al Gore like the Viet Cong beat me!" spoke an ebullient John McCain after the win. The stakes are high for the former carousing military man. The big win in the Straw poll means that more money from Ronald McDonlad homes across the United States will be diverted to his war chest. McCain also used the occasion to promise four years of torture inflicted upon anyone who opposed his campaign. This platform is indeed one of the few that link the two remaining Republicans, as Gov. George W. Bush has also promised four years of political beatings for anyone not "on board the Bush express".

Bridesmaid Al Gore took up McCain's boast and fashioned a statement meant to reaffirm his commitment to the political fights that lay ahead, "Well, I know Senator McCain isn’t joking around when he’s talking about getting whooped. But I can take a beating. I can have my legs broken and my arms tied behind my back while getting scarred by Vietnamese knives. You know, I welcome the challenge. I'm the underdog now, and I'm going to fight all the way to November to have the right to be starved and beaten daily."

Gore's crack response team immediately issued a Press Release with promises that mirror McCain while pointing out the differences between the two men. It read in part, "What John McCain says is misleading. He will never be able to re-create the atmosphere of torture that existed in the Hanoi Hilton. That period of time is over for America. You can’t trust John McCain. But Al Gore will stand by his pledge to administer regular whippings to political rivals. He’s been doing it behind the scenes for 8 years now. Al Gore is a man you can count on."

Third-place finisher George W. Bush, clearly upset over yet another poll that showed his chances of winning slipping away, furrowed his brow and tried to counter the McCain advantage, "I think it’s about time everybody got hold of their senses and stopped voting for that bleeding-heart liberal John McCain. He’s a winner, sure, but I’m a reformer with results. 273 people have been put to death in Texas in my time as Governor. That’s more deaths than McCain could accomplish."

Bush’s top aide Ari Fleitcher provided some more insight, "Governor Bush will win this election. It’s already paid for. We’ve had just about enough of John McCain. He'll be lucky to survive when the suicidal Jesus Freak from the 700 Club shows up on his tour bus with 4 pounds of high-grade plastic explosive taped to his thigh."

Democrat Bill Bradley limped into fourth place, but vowed that the unexamined life wasn’t worth living. He spoke to reporters about the need for candor, honesty, and integrity in government. He joked, and smiled, and felt confident in himself and his message of hope and peace to all Americans. Most reporters smiled along with him, and agreed with everything he said. But no one bothered writing down any quotes because the press has determined, and rightly so, that truth in politics will never get you elected.

The poll percentages were as follows: 37% McCain, 31% Gore, 22% Bush, 12% Bradley, 5% Ronald McDonald and 2% couldn’t figure out what to do with the straw, or what indeed, the difference in straw sizes meant. One elderly woman was convinced that she was voting for the "Young Elvis" stamp over the "Fat Elvis" stamp. It was determined by polling officials from Hustler that the straw should be counted as a McCain vote, of course.