Todd is a friend of the site, and a professional layabout gadfly electronica action figure. He very often says quite funny things, and we try to remember those funny things. Sometimes he says less-than-funny things and well, we try to record those as well. Funny is as funny does.
May, 2001
I love that Aquent cared about what I wanted to do, not just what I was capable of doing, and offered me positions that pushed my skills in new directions.
April 30, 2001
Hey Todd, can you make up some Toddisms so we can update the pages on the Rivative site?
Please, it's The Todd from now on.
March 22, 2001
I've been smoking like a smoker's lung.
November-27-00
Todd, do you have any ideas for horse names beginning with "G"? I like Gourmet Dogfood so far...
Who is it that eats Horse? Oh yeah - the French eat a lot of Horse. They make Horseburgers. (expressed credulity from rivative) They do!
November-15-00
Todd, how is work treating you these days?
Work. It works!
November-07-00
Election Day. On the news we see Rick Lazio, the Republican who ran for the Senate in New York and lost to Hillary Clinton. He is smiling like a chimp as he steps out of a voting booth with his 9-year old daughter.
Hey - he let that kid in there! You can't do that. I knew he was soft on kid voting.
October-03-00
Todd, this debate sucks ass. Who are you rooting for - Bush or Gore?
I'm going to vote for the first guy who says 'fantastic.'
September-29-00
Rivative: I think I actually, truly like Pepsi better than Coke...
(serious) Man, I wish I said that.
September 18-00
Todd, what do you think of the Senate hearings on the Entertainment Industry's supposed marketing to teenagers?
We need more concrete statistics for that. (imitating announcer) 'Video game crime is down this year as only 35 million characters were killed in onscreen violence, down a staggering 5.4 million from last year.'
Mike: "Violence struck the chinese village of Soulblade today..."
September-09-00
What, I haven't said anything funny lately?
I want to open a funeral home. Just partying all the time. You know, a lot of fun. We 'll call it Mannikins.
August-23-00
I was thinking of putting up a joke or a riddle on eBay and selling the punchline.
July-28-00
There is an Access Hollywood documercial on Rael, a self-serving looney from France who wants to colonize this world and the one the aliens take him too with clones of himself. He wants to spread the "Message of Rael" far and wide. He was some sort of doctor or scientst before he became a talking cartoon character.
Rael - now there's a Messiah-entest
Todd, would you ever be a computer support guy?
I want to start Love Temps. Like MacTemps, they provide help for your computer needs. "Don't worry! (soothing tones). Computers crash alllllll the time. Mine crashed last week! We'll get someone in to fix it right away. Let me tell you a happy story about a happy computer."
July-15-00
Todd has just returned from a funeral. How was it?
Aw man, it was the best funeral I've ever been to. I think I'm going to review it for my new funeral magazine. We'll have a chemo center section.
July-8-00
The movie X-men is playing in a brand-new movie theater across the street from us. We are upset because of the constant commotion and call on Todd to help. Todd, do you have any superpowers?
Yeah -- but it involves a lot of clay and popsicle-sticks. Very time consuming. It has to be just the right situation.
June-12-00
Todd said something funny today. Actually he said many funny things. But I said some funny things too and all around there was much hilarity. Usually this occurs when watching TV, or when standing in the hallway. Sometimes hilarity ensues in the kitchen like it did tonite. You never really know when funny will be made.
Todd had stepped on some cat crap that had somehow leapt from its litterbox home and onto the floor. It had made the great escape from its certain dusty death to a new life on the bottom of Todd's shoe. So Todd had trounced into the kitchen (barefoot mind you) to wipe off the grin from the face of the escaped crap. He cleaned his shoe with a paper towel. And I was cooking food! Disgusting! Stupid! What a rude jerk!
Well, I pointed out that hey, maybe he could do that somewhere else, as I was making preparations for a paltry feast. Then he made some stupid funny.
Hey well, its all from the same place. Poo. It's just Poo. It's like food really. It should just be called Pood.
That was it. Just a simple funny. And he wasn't being earnest, he was trying to make fun of hippy and punk pepper-of-the-earth types who seem to believe in stupid universalities like poo = food.
Then later he told me of another food-inspired thing. A restaurant idea! I think he told me just so I would put it up on the site. So I won't. Just joking.
Todd's Restaurant Idea As Told to Tony
[note: work in progress]
Did I tell you of my restaurant I want to open? It's a smell-only restaurant. You can order from the menu just like any normal restaurant but you only get to smell what you ordered. The chef prepares the meal and then you can get it delivered to your table and its covered in plastic with a small opening and you can smell it but can't eat it. I think it will be a real hit.
June-7-00
What about Vam-pops? Blood-red-sicles instead of those apple juice ones you made with the Ice Cube Tray.
What happened to Trash Compactors? I guess they're not around any more. I wonder if you could charge more in rent if you advertised a Trash Compactor.
We had one when I was growing up. Worked just fine. We put our dog in it though. No, no, he didn't die from it. Uh, he died from, uh natural causes. The next day. Yeah. It was sad. But from now on, instead of "Curb Your Dog" it was "Cube Your Dog".
editor's note: Todd did not put the family dog in the Trash Compactor.
May-5-00
I wish we had a Tattoo parlor downstairs. I could wake up, walk downstairs, and get a tattoo of my bedmarkings. Got to have them done quickly — "Hurry up, man! The marks are fading!"
Then I would always look like I just woke up.
April-28-00
We had this keg left over from a party.
Yeah, let's bring it on the subway. We can walk around and ask for beer donations to the thirsty. 'Hi. my name is Todd -- I work for the thirsty in New York City. I belong to the keg division of the Thirsty Shelter on 14th Street. If anyone has any beer, I will glady accept donations. If anyone on this train is thirsty, I will gladly provide some beer from this keg.' Then you would have to drag it from car to car. Maybe you could carry mad Dog 20/20 too.
