2001 COLLEGE NATIONALS
BEHIND THE SCOUTING REPORTS: FICTION AND INNUENDOES

This was written for the 2001 College Nationals in Boston, but they came across it too late and never fit it in the tournament scouting report. Everything here was written in jest and truth be told, it is a little unsuitable for college kids I guess. Some of these tidbits are actually true.

Lets get the real dirt and find out about these year's top teams and top players.

Texas A&M player Max Cook's real name is "Ernesto."

Nikki Miani, UNCW, slept with her college coach, Andrew Zeldin, to get more playing time.

Shelley Peyton, Northwestern, eats raw eggs for breakfast and works out in a gym while talking on a cell phone. Her favorite actress is Linda Fiorentino.

Moses Rifkin, Brown once told me that his role model was Neil Diamond

Mike Gerics, captain UNCW, has Tourettes syndrome and, paradoxically, washes his hands thirty times a day.

Jaime Houssian, UCSB, used to be a member of the Bhagwan Bahi Haj cult

Dan Schneider, UCSB, likes to eat metal.

There's a guy named Sam who plays for Duke Vertigo, but he tore his meniscus a month ago and can't play. As such, he will be sitting on the sidelines with a cooler of beer. If you come up to him and say, "Hey dude, do you know what the score is?" or "who's winning?" he will give you a free cold one.

Erin Donovan, Washington University, eats cereal for breakfast, lunch and dinner even though her mother told her not to when she was 12.

The Texas A&M team's favorite cheer is "1-2-3 Aggies!" and if they win a game they will shave off all their body hair.

Ohio State's Kevin Reichert loves Pearl Jam to the point of obsession and beneath that bottle-blonde hair, if you look closely, you'll find he's secretly a woman.

Jennifer Donnelly, coach of Stanford, once proudly called herself a Sorority girl. Her nickname was "Pouty Spice" and that was before the Spice Girls existed.

UBC's Lara Mussell is receiving her degree in electroshock therapy for joint stiffness.

Alex Nord dyes his hair redder so one day he can be a men's fashion model.

UCSD's Corinne Ginsberg is a distant relative of Allen Ginsberg.

Brian Reichenberger, one of those innumerable grad students at Colorado, shaves his palms.

Tufts' Ewo stands for E-women, which they decided on only after someone dropped the 'K' in Ewok three years ago.

X-rules and the UPA's Temptation Island

What kind of politics was played to implement the X-rules? We went straight to the source for this one, former UPA National College Director Kate Bergeron and X-Rules co-conspirators Will Deaver and Charles Kerr. Together these three were responsible for bringing the X-rules to be voted on by the players.

Kate explains, "Off the record, right? Don Barry and Dave Hasbrook (noted Ultimate reactionaries) wrote me a $500,000 check to authorize the X-Rules for the UPA 2000 College Series. And then when Pepsi agreed to pony up 20 million over the next five years and I got half, we went with it."

Will Deaver's motivations were different: "Toad Leber (of NUA fame) agreed to set me up with the Wilmington women's team if I got the X-rules going down the slippery slope towards referees. But once I started coaching the UGA women's team, Melanie Byrd convinced me to back off the refs and I took a softer approach, but with harder results."

Charles Kerr also confessed his true objective in kick-starting the X-rules and implementing the Callahan Award: compiling mailing lists to sell to companies. "There can't be anything more valuable than the mailing addresses of college students. The total number of Callahan votes this year could exceed 800! I'll be rich with those email addresses! Rich I tell you!"

This was never published anywhere, ever. I mean it.

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