It was Thursday. I always have a bad day on Thursday. Me and Kara and Andrea have to take the city bus. The bus stop is about thirty miles from my house. Terrence gets to ride in carpool. They won’t let me ride because I taught all the little kids the word fuck. They honked and Terrence made faces at us when they drove by. He is stupid but sometimes he is funny. He goes to Montessori at St. Anne’s.

We missed the bus. We even ran. We would have made it except for two things. First was my pants. They made me trip and fall in the dirt. Second was when I fell, the zipper on my backpack broke and I picked it up and all of my homework and my book and my papers flew out and landed in a puddle. Andie and Kara were really mad because if you are late to school you get detention. They are in seventh and eighth grade. I don’t get detention because I’m only in fourth grade. You don’t start getting detentions until fifth grade, unless you do something really bad. I got one once. It was in second grade. I don’t think that they have ever given a detention to anyone that little except for me. Mrs. O’Brien caught me peeing behind the shed at recess.

I hate the bus. I usually have to stand the whole way. If I get a seat it’s next to some fat, stinky, sweaty guy who tries to give me gum and probably wants to fondle me. There are these dumb girls that ride the bus. Their names are Pigmy, Pricilla, Tuff Twinkies, Gorilla and Balloon. Balloon and Pricilla are really fat. They each take up about four hundred seats apiece.

When I finally made it to school, I needed a note. I got it and went to Mrs. Zinn’s room. It was reading. I forgot to read. Zach made me laugh and Mrs. Zinn got mad. She asked me a question. I said "How the hell should I know?" That made the whole class laugh. For punishment I had to sit in the cubicle for recess. For gym we played softball. I was picked last and had last ups. They put me in deep left so that if the ball got hit it wouldn’t land near me. I struck out three times. Our gym teacher is Pat Narita. I can’t spell her last name. I think she’s a lezbo. I hate her.

During language arts Zach made a fart noise. Mrs. Zinn got really mad because she knew Zach wanted to get in trouble. Zach and me have a contest to see who can get into the most trouble. I think he almost got detention. Zach is my best friend. He is also in the fourth grade. He is cool and fun to hang out with. He has this dog named Frisky who likes to hump things. One time he wouldn’t stop humping me because I I wore this brown jacket. I took it off and he was still humping it. His favorite band is Prince. Zach’s not Frisky’s.

Lunch was Spanish rice. It tastes like puke. There was chocolate milk but I had to drink regular milk. Everyone took it before it was my turn because I had to wait in line for hot lunch. Everyone mostly brings lunch to school, but my mom is too lazy to make it. I hate Spanish rice. This nun used to have a little white dog named Tiki. One day, Tiki died. For lunch we had Spanish rice. I don’t know who died today.

After lunch was pretty boring. I sat in the cubicle for recess and did nothing. Then I sat in class and did nothing. I can’t sit next to Zach because we cause too much trouble. I can’t sit in back because I cause too much trouble. I sit in the front corner. Zach sits in the other front corner. Mrs. Zinn likes to keep an eye on us. It is fun to look back and see John Mehringer in his stupid looking headgear. It has about thirty straps that wrap up all around his head. He needs it because his teeth are really buck. I am going to have to get braces in fifth grade, but I’ll wear them fifty years before I get a headgear. My sisters all have headgears.

Art class was kind of fun. I share a table with Zach and Eric and Hardy. We draw bases. They are underground and hold millions of people. Miss DeRussy is really nosy. She always tries to hear us when we talk. She hates us because one day we combined all of our clay together and made a giant model of Thunder Thighs who is the fifth grade teacher. Today we pretended to be talking secret. We all huddled up, but did not talk. I started laughing. She made us all sit in our own corner because she thought we were talking secret about her. She is really stupid.

After art was really boring. It was regular class. I did not listen but I looked out of the window. There is a little yard out the window and a fountain of a little boy taking a pee. Zach says all the nuns get their jollies off it. I think so too. I like that fountain. Someday I want to take a real pee in it. I’ll probably be caught and sent to double detention. If I took a shit in it I would probably be kicked out of school. Then I would win the contest. That’s how you win.

After school I went to wait for Marcia the midget to take us to the bus stop. I have been riding the bus since Montessori. It is cool to take the bus because mostly it is only older kids who are allowed to ride the bus all by them selves. Marcia teaches Montessori because those are the only kids who can’t beat her up. She wears Chic jeans because that’s the only brand that comes in midget size. I am way taller than her. She holds a little stop sign in front of us when we cross the street. It is stupid because they put up a stop light there last year anyway. And it’s not like the cars can see her because she’s too short. Once I said for her to bring a stool to stand on. I got in trouble. She brought a stool the next week. I think that that is funny.

There is this stupid, dumb big guy that picks on me all of the time at the bus stop. His name is Thad. He is in seventh grade with Andrea. He calls me names like Ryan retardo and Cryin' Ryan. He called those to me today so I said "Thad, Thad, he got mad because someone stole his maxi pad!" He got so mad he turned red. He ran after me and I tripped on my pants. I couldn’t have run much anyway because they’re too hot and he is big and stupid. Thad Kneeled on my chest and was about to hit me hard when he started to laugh. He laughed so hard he was crying. He looked at my pants. Andie wore them last year.

Thad said, "Are you a fag?"

I said no

"Then how come you wear girl’s pants?" Thad said

"These aren’t girl’s pants." I said

"Yep, They’re Andrea’s." Thad said. I asked him not to tell but he already ran back to the group. He yelled "Andie pants! Andie pants! Ryan wears his sister’s pants!

The whole bus crowd made fun of me really bad. They made me cry. My sisters were not there to stand up for me because I got them detention. I got on the bus last and stood in the front the whole way home. I walked home and my legs felt like they were on fire because they were so hot. I came home and got some water. Mom asked me how school was today and I told her to go to hell. Terrence started laughing so hard he fell out of his chair. Then he hit his head and started to cry. I got sent to my room for the rest of the day and night except for dinner. The next day at school everybody called me Homo or Fag or Andie Pants or Girly Pants. They asked me if I wore panties and a bra too. They called me these for like a month. I hate those pants.

Easter On The Road
BY PETE

The Scanner
BY STEVE DE LA STEVE

Killers Make Great Kilts
BY P.A. LEONARDO IV

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