MICRODICK:
AN UNFINISHED SCRIPT
by STEVE JOBS
The year is 2020. BILL GATES is afraid he will not get to reproduce. Scientists are working on a supersoap so he can breed. But in the meantime he stores his DNA in a neighbor dog’s testicles. He has to keep them at the right temperature.
INT: LIMO
BILL
Pull down the glass
DRIVER
I can’t hear you through the glass
BILL
Pull down the glass
DRIVER
It’s not working!
The DRIVER is spraying Glade, sprinkling baking soda and putting clothespins on his nose. BILL has some odoriferous problems. DRIVER eventually opens the glass with a clothespin on his nose. Limo pulls in behind a moving van at a mansion in an otherwise Levittown-looking development. We learn that BILL is on the run.
INT: MICRODICK HEADQUARTERS
BILL is in his command center. A DRONE without a nose hands BILL an electronic device with a screen displaying information.
DRONE 1
Your latest report, sir.
BILL
Cathode ray futures are up, Diode futures are down, work on the supersoap progresses. But my sperm count. It’s down to NOTHING!! Good thing I saved that double condom from my one sexual experience back in 1984. Ah, here it is.
He pulls a sentimental package out of his jacket that looks like a technological adaptation of a double condom. A small red light is blinking on the package.
BILL
Ohhh, my mini cryo-bag is out of juice!
BILL doesn't have much time left. He must stay away from his enemies who are trying to prevent him from mating. He is currently on the run, living in a glass mansion in the town of Corporate Woods Village, Illinois.
EXT: BILL'S NEIGHBOR'S HOUSE
The DOG that BILL surgically injected his sperm into is scratching himself on the front porch.
DOG (VO)
I woke up and my fucking nuts hurt. I don’t know why. But now they taste different and they smell funny. Kind of like that smell in the air.
BILL is still living next door to the DOG. But at MicroDick Headquarters another DRONE has informed BILL’S competition about BILL placing something in the dog’s scrotum.
INT: MICRODICK JANITOR'S CLOSET
An Anti-Microdick SECRET AGENT is dressed in a gray jumpsuit to look like a janitor. He is holding a CD-ROM and a spray can and is putting his arm around another noseless DRONE who seems to be swayed by the cleanliness of the small room.
SECRET AGENT
(to Drone) You like, huh? How would you like your own operating system and your name on the new 35,000 seat Basketball Arena in downtown Carport Winds Village? We can do that in the time it takes a pulse to get a Bus pass.
DRONE 2
Bill's gone to the dogs.
SECRET AGENT
You don't say...
EXT: BILL'S NEIGHBOR'S HOUSE
A fake organization NEUTER FOR GOD’S SAKE pays the father $75,000 to neuter PUFFY, the family dog. PUFFY and the little girl hear this and PUFFY flees. The dad thinks the dog has left because of the awful smell in the neighborhood. He also discovers that PUFFY has taken a week's supply of Kibbles N Bits and a bottle of Brut aftershave. Will PUFFY every return? Where has he gone?
PUFFY is indeed traversing the country. The smell, however, has gone with him and he comes to believe that BILL GATES has his balls. Meanwhile, BILL is desperate to find the dog and retreive his sperm. He begins to move from a mansion in Corporate Woods Village, Illinois to mansions in Corporate Woods Villages across the country.
PUFFY is enjoying his life as a Boxcar dog. He carries a stick with his belongings tied in a bandanna on the end. He crisscrosses the country, having affairs with bitches across the land. They always notice the smell, but his balls seems to work fine. Except he seems to be getting less and less juice out of them each time. Will BILL locate PUFFY in time? Or will BILL GATES JR. be a small puppy growing up in Ames, Iowa? Stay tuned.
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