Friday Night, October 20, 2000

Off Track Betting. Horses, chariots, paychecks. Would catharsis be found on those slips of paper? Mercury was in retrograde, whatever that meant.

6:23 We enter the OTB Winner's Circle. That is, me and Julie. At the door, we are siphoned for five dollars and receive a program. Julie is the only woman in the establishment, and our ages put together tie us for third-youngest. That's a "show" for you non-gamblers out there. Already gunning for the money to start.

6:35 Louisiana Downs. Double wagering on the 9th and 10th races. Exacta, Quinella and Trifecta wagering. I always liked the word "trifecta". Try-feck-ta. Hey when did the phrase "blown save" come into baseball? That's slang. Blow a save? It's must be a seventies expression because that's when saves were statisfied. "Statisfied" is current, ephemeral slang that I constructed. "Trifecta" I couldn't tell ya.

6:37 Comet Cat wins the Louisiana Downs 9 race by 6 lengths. We lose our money.

6:50 We lay out the big bucks for Louisiana 10. Turf, one mile and a sixteenth. My type of race. I'm a guaranteed winner. Keleb Ridge was sired by Belek and dam Tarpin Ridge and that means nothing to me. But the filly's got blinders and a fast beat, gonna bear down in the last quarter and win by a head. Julie goes a triple-box on Keleb at 6-1 pre-race, Junk Bond Kid at 4-1 pre-race, and Devil Me Care at 2-1 who bangs in at 4-5 race time. KP LeBlanc rides Devil Me Care to the win, Near the Bank, sired by Lomond, dam Storm the Bank and dam's sire Water Bank, owned by Chandra Rennie (Lessee) C. Smith & R. Co, a brown and gray mare with a power rating of 3 and speed of 6, lifetime $224,505, tired in the last race finishing 8 by 6 and a half lengths, places. Junk Bond Kid takes the show. In addition to Keleb Ridge I had ridden money on T.C.'s Connection but his last race was at Prm and Cby and before that lots of Prm. He has not, apparently, raced the Lad turf. He broke in, busted a nut early, pooped down to finish sight unseen. We lose.

6:51 Drinking and gambling go togther, as do cigarettes and drinking,, and men and gambling. Now add 36 televsion screens broadcasting live action from around the country. Still..... Little golf pencils. Add little golf pencils, neatly sharpened, and newsprint programs.

7:10 "Ah Turf Party, eh?" calls out the Irish bartender, as in from Ireland. We're playing Turf Paradise now and race 7 goes to Crash Gordon by 6 lengths. That horse was moduled! Later, it used its eye rays and plasma dong to bed down a fellow colt.

7:23 Turf Paradise 8 race is the one. We are on our third lager and ask for advice. "Well this one's a DNF last race. Well rested. And Rollins. See, over here this horse changed jockeys. And this one here has got speed and power., class 10. I'd say 3-1-9." Right. We pick a trifecta and an exacta-box on 3-1-9, being Gondoleier's Song the favorite, Amun Ra and Active Dancer, the DNF horse last race, the one jockeyed by Chance Rollins, the top mo-fo on this track with a 20% win percentage. Bet the jockey. Bet the speed, the sire, the colors, throw that pencil down and see where it hits? Active Dancer wins and two long shots, Masta Don and Suckme LauraIngels (no I made that name up) round out. Our horse won, but we lose.

7:24 "Ah we got greedy, did we now? See, shoulda bet on the nine to win, but we wanted all thereee (sometimes the Irish say thereee)."

7:39 Suddenly the screens flickered. Slips of paper were everywhere on the countertop. A beer was spilled. I went to the cash machine. We were losing our grip. Luckily Harness Racing was next. "I cain't even tell you nothing," says the bartender, "Harness is all a gamble. Lemme tell you, you got a 4,000 dollah purse and the trainer gets 60% and the jockey 10% of that and he has to pay his agent — these jockeys are tying to win their gas money. And they tell me it isn't fixed."

7:47 I pick a horse solely on its name at Northfield, race 3. Where is Northfield? Cleveland, Ohio. Two bucks to win on Car Lyn Jo at 7-2 pre-race. That goes up to 11-1 racetime and Car Lyn wins by a head or two. Heads. If I had that hunch straight and put in a 40 dollar bet I would have won $450. I felt the fever!

8:44 Drunkenly concentrating, zen focus, wait until the name appears: Cherubs Exsample. To show. Comes in place! I coulda... – $7.20 return on two. Hella. Lady Nuclear. Penchant to Win. Targirl Hanover. Sami Tomar. Barefoot Osborne. Guide Me Home. Curly Jane. Brooklyn Bloomer. In Cleveland, Ohio. The names, the names. I'm on the names.

9:25 There's a morality tale in the last race. Centers around some harness jockey named W_______. Apparently he's been "kicked out of Yonkers" or at least not asked back. Booted from Belmont. Manhandled at Monmouth. Pilloried at Pimlington. He was caught Pete Rose-style betting on his horses. Did he spike the horses? I ask sagely. Bartender drily suggests he spikes himself.

Northfield race 5 this guy W________ disappears on the outside and is outta the picture completely until the last 3 seconds when he comes burning in like an F-14 and wins. Two low-grade Mutt N Jeff goombah buffoons the other end of the bar start whooping it up "Breaks and still wins! Tell me another driver who does dat!" They are gleeful. They won a shitload by laying some big money down on W_______'s, shall we say, skills. They give some schlub sitting next to them 20 bucks. We lose.

9:36 On the screen an After Effects graphic in big, bold, shadowcasting rolls and wags up to the center of the screen. It reads "Northfield – Home of The Flying Turns." We were flying now, many lagers and slips of paper later. It was time to go. I vowed vengeance, "My jockey Kieth Kash is gonna clean your clock at Hoosier Park!"

Ed. Note: All names, times and places are reasonably accurate.

Halloween 2000
A RIVATIVE SPECIAL PRESENTATION WITH PICTURES

Fucked Up in the Pines
BY DAVID FERRILL

Great American Pastime
BY CHRISTOPHER CURRY

• • •

*** OUR DIET AD SERIES: "STUPID-MAGIC! 30 ADS IN 30 DAYS." EVERY DAY IN AUGUST A NEW, STUPID DIET AD WAS EXAMINED AND RIDICULED. ***

WWW.CRANK.COM
WWW.WATERBONG.NET

• • •

EMAIL • ABOUT • WHERE CAN I PARK MY CAR IN BROOKLYN? • ARCHIVES • SUBMISSIONS • DIET AD COLLECTION • COOL! MORE ART • FLASH-O-MATIC • TODD'S RAMBLINGS • REVIEWS • THE CROSSED WIRE • HOME