DANNY BONADUCE HAS BROKEN ALL TEN COMMANDMENTS
by CHRISTOPHER HICKMAN
All quotes are taken from Random Acts of Badness: My Story by Danny Bonaduce, published October 2001 by Hyperion Books. Excerpted with all the permission that is necessary in the world.
I. You shall have no other Gods before me.
"I grabbed the reefer from his hand and was about to take a power hit that would put David's hippie friends in their places -- when Cassidy came in. There he was, my hero, as big as all outdoors -- at least to me. It turns out Cassidy is tiny, but I wouldn't realize that until I was thirty. Think about it -- 50,000,000 Americans would have killed just to kiss the hem of his bell bottoms, but he and I were about to share a felony."
II. You shall not make for yourself an idol, or any likeness of what is in Heaven above, or on the earth beneath, or in the water under the earth; you shall not worship them or serve them, for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God.
"I didn't talk to Johnny for a few days and had pretty much forgotten him when I got a call from his station manager. Apparently the phony food drive (which I had completely forgotten about) had taken on a life of its own. According to the station manager, thousands of cans of food, including hundreds of pounds of Spam, had been delivered to the station. There was even a statue of me carved completely out of the delicious meat product."
III. You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain.
"Six days from the time of this writing ? I will shoot the pilot for my fourth TV show, a daytime talk show. It's called Guys, and it will be hosted by, you guessed it, Dick Clark and Danny Bonaduce! Doctors may think they are God, but I firmly believe God thinks he is a comic."
IV. Remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy.
"Around 6 p.m. on Sunday night, the drugs were running perilously low and my emotions, high."
V. Honor your Father and Mother.
"Dad [Joe] continued to attack Anthony [Danny's brother]. Out of frustration, he was growing ever more angry because he could not inflict any real damage. When his fist failed him, he turned to his best weapon, words ? he called Anthony a coward, told him he was 'to honor thy father,' and he dared him to fight back. Then Joe went too far. He spit. POW! Dad got what he wanted. Anthony hit him. Once again, Joe goes flying -- but this time, the catalyst was a fist the size of a Buick hitting him in the sternum."
VI. You shall not murder.
"Now, Great-Grandpa had killed two people, and interestingly enough, both deaths involved mules!"
VII. You shall not commit adultery.
"Here's the insight on 'Did I know the hooker was really a man?' The answer is NO! Now, do not get me wrong. I don't feel that going out to pick up a real female hooker will somehow put me in the moral right. I was newly married and was still a very bad boy. In my home we lovingly refer to it as "the transvestite incident."
VIII. You shall not steal.
"What Scott did not know, I forged his signature and got an ATM card. Just like when I was a kid and had a court-appointed accountant, I was stealing my own money."
IX. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.
When I got to court in Florida, I was asked to put my hand on the Bible and swear to "Tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth." I was terrified. The judge asked me if I had taken drugs since my arrest. I was sure I would open my mouth and, entirely against my will, the truth would indeed pour out. After all, I was under oath. I looked the judge square in the eye and said, "No, sir."
X. You shall not covet your neighbor's house, you shall not covet your neighbor's wife, or his male servant, or female servant, or his ox, or his donkey, or anything else that belongs to your neighbor.
"Trust me, when you are broke and on the streets, whatever the other guy has in his shopping cart looks way better than what you have in yours."
Date: November 23, 2001
Male Snit
by SOME OTHERWISE NORMAL PEOPLE
To Be Noble, Part II
by ELEANOR ROOS
Real World Part 6: What Jason Was Writing in his Journal
by ERIN KELLEY
WHERE CAN I PARK MY CAR IN BROOKLYN?
