Unless you're Dick Clark, growing older is a natural part of life. Of course there ain't shit that's natural abut Dick Clark. But I digress. With the exception of certain gangsta rappers and the population of the Dallas Home for Teenage Girls who Bathe with Toasters, almost everyone makes it to twenty-five. So what is important is not that you turn twenty-five, but how you turn twenty-five. With this in mind, let us revisit some historical twenty-fifth birthdays.

1280 BC Ramses II turns twenty-five. He battles the Hittites for control of Syria, oversees the construction of Abu Simbel, and encounters a Hebrew leader that looks exactly like a young Charlton Heston. "Sure, I'll let your people go, just don't make me watch Earthquake." Approximately 3,270 years later Ramses stars in the King and I, becoming the first pharaoh to appear in a musical. A mummified Tutankhamen later stars in Grease as a tire jack for a '57 Thunderbird.

December 25, 25 AD Christ turns twenty-five. He helps out his old man around the shop, is polite to his mother, and cures ten lepers. What a yawn.

July 6, 26 AD Barrabus turns twenty-five in classic zealot fashion. He rolls a town elder, screws a donkey or two, and drops anchor in a Jerusalem well. With a track record like this, is it any wonder the Jews released him. He made them look good. Exposure to perfection, on the other hand, tends to bring about an inferiority complex. Just ask anyone who's spent time in my presence.

February 8, 1845 William Tecumseh Sherman turns twenty-five while vacationing through the American South. He is struck with the beauty of the region, particularly the state of Georgia. "Christ, Sherm," a friend comments, "you're really carrying a torch for this place."

January 16, 1974 Ethel Merman celebrates her twenty-fifth by belting out a rousing rendition of "Life is Just a Bowl of Cherries" at her home in the Hollywood Hills. Unfortunately, these cherries have pits and one gets lodged in her windpipe. Luckily the Queen of Broadway coughs up the obstruction just before her face turns purple. Depressed that these embarrassing incidents never happen to Mae West, Ethel turns to the bottle. By the shank of the evening she is bombed on gin martinis and launches into a version of "Swing Low Sweet Chariot" while outfitted in blackface. Al Jolson eat your heart out.

may_12, 1997 Exile on Main Street turns twenty-five. Self-respecting gigolos everywhere transform silk ascots into the finest of tourniquets and head off into a long scary night filled with smack, pills, booze, and women. Most of them return between a week and a month later. Others are only heard from again in song.

So there you have it — several fine examples of how to still be gathering steam after a quarter century on this earth. Happy Birthday.

Recently Released Horse Names "G"
A LIST CREATED BY RIVATIVE.NET

Recently Released Horse Names "F"
FOUND BY JACK GOLAIR

Busses and Bushes
BY AGENT DEEP THROAT

• • •

*** STUPID-MAGIC! 30 ADS IN 30 DAYS ***

WWW.CRANK.COM
WWW.WATERBONG.NET
WWW.MEMEPOOL.COM

• • •

EMAIL • ABOUT • WHERE CAN I PARK MY CAR IN BROOKLYN? • ARCHIVES • SUBMISSIONS • DIET AD COLLECTION • COOL! MORE ART • FLASH-O-MATIC • TODD'S RAMBLINGS • REVIEWS • THE CROSSED WIRE • HOME