Paul: Hello?

It is an incredibly flat, dry voice.

Detective Dean: Hello. Is P___ G___ there?

Paul: Who's calling?

Detective Dean: It's Detective Dean, of the Troy Police.

Paul: This is Paul.

Detective Dean: Oh yeah? It is you?

Paul: Yeah. I had to make sure you weren't a telemarketer.

Detective Dean: Oh. Well, Paul, we found the reels of film that were missing when your van was stolen.

Paul: That's great. We saw it in the paper.

Detective Dean: Oh. The reporters called you?

Paul: Yeah. They faxed the story down.

Detective Dean: So you heard that a woman was looking for her shoes in her closet and came across the missing reels of film. She saw them on the news. She thinks her boyfriend stole them.

Paul: Yeah?

Detective Dean: Yeah. He's on drugs.

Paul: I see. Terrible.

Detective Dean: Yes. Well, it happens. Anyway, we're out looking for him. I assume your Swiss filmmaker needs the film back right away for processing.

Paul: Yes. Er, that's right.

Detective Dean: We dusted it for fingerprints and sent it to the crime lab. We're gonna get this guy.

Paul: Well, actually, that's your business. We don't really want to see a guy in jail for stealing a van. But you gotta do what you gotta do. What we need, though, is the suitcase he stole along with the film. It was in the van. And it turns out it had another film in it. And some other things

Detective Dean: Oh.

Paul: Black nylon travel bag. Pull up handle.

Detective Dean: Got it. We'll go over this afternoon and search her place, in case her boyfriend hid it somewhere she didn't see.

Paul: Thanks, Detective Dean.

Detective Dean: That's what we do. OK. So you can get the film early next week. And we'll see what we find on the other stuff. The black bag with the handle and the other film.

Paul: Great. Thanks.

Detective Dean: Uh. OK. So how's the weather down there? Good?

Paul: Yeah. Good. Cold. Some snow on the ground. It's nice when the snow stays around a while in New York to hide all the concrete.

Detective Dean: Yeah. Well, it's been mild up here. Been walking around with my jacket open.

Paul: That's really great.

Detective Dean: Yeah. Say, I hope the film will be ok. It's been in the closet for a while.

Paul: Oh, i'm sure it will. There's a lot of guys down here who have been in the closet all their lives, and they're OK when they come out.

Detective Dean: Er. Yeah. We'll call you next week. I gotta go search that woman's apartment.

Paul: Uh, yeah. Well, bye.

Detective Dean: Bye.

* Editor's Note: Grubens assures us that this was a near-verbatim conversation....

• • •

The Return
BY DAVID FERRILL

Porkin' Boogie Bass
BY MARSETTE VONA

Cats and Dates
REAL CONVERSATIONS AND EMAILS FROM ELEANOR ROOS

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