EVERYONE WINS WITH THE N.M.E.
by LEOPOLD E. QUANSARA

I call the number on the letter! I am excited, I could win...Ring...Ring...

Lady: Welcome to Northamerican Mail Enterprises. My name is Miss Plotkin...

Me: Did I win?

Miss Plotkin: Well sir, that depends. You may have won. But you have to enter first.

Me: It says on the slip that you are trying to reach me regarding 1,000,000 dollars. Did I win?

Miss Plotkin: Let me check your sweepstakes number sir, and we'll see if you've won!

Me: Well, I better win. 'Cause I deserve it. I'm a woking-class American. I need the money. Some of these people, they don't need more money. But lady I'm telling you, I need lots of cash to keep up my habits.

Me: OK.

Miss Plotkin: So you want the chance to win a million dollars? That's great! A million dollars–just think! You'll pay one small donation and get a free Cruise trip to wonderful Carribbean Islands and other exotic locales, all for free, plus room and board and transportation and taxes, but with the million dollars that you may win, you will be able to keep your grandkids in school, your deceased wife will be happy–and think of those kids! Your grandkids are your future and you want them to do well in life. What could be better than providing them with hard-earned cash? Plus we'll install that aluminum siding on your house and you've always needed that. Well, Mr. Quansara, let's continue on then. First, credit card number?

Me: Can I take the cruise to Copenhagen instead? I've always wanted to cruise to Copenhagen.

Miss Plotkin: (laughing) That's funny, Mr. Quansara! I can tell you have a good sense of humor. You remind me of my father. He was a clown with Ringling Brothers. Credit card number?

Me: I don't have a credit card. I purchase with coins and fivers only.

Miss Plotkin: I see, sir. Do you have a checkbook?

Me: No. Yes.

Miss Plotkin: Are you trying to hide something from me? You need to enter first. You may have already won a million dollars!

Me: Did I win?

Miss Plotkin: You may have already won!

Me: Can you tell me if I have already won?

Miss Plotkin: You have won something, yes! You are a lucky man indeed.

Me: I don't feel lucky. I feel sort of like a sandwich. Roast beef, with mustard and tomato. Plus just one slice of American Cheese. A single slice. Nowadays there is just too much American Cheese on a good cooked lunchmeat.