Hoard the Horrible. A fitting name. Hoard was one of the ugliest, nastiest, foulest creatures known to man. One of the largest orcs ever seen. He stood a full eight and a half feet tall. He commonly wore the armor of the Paladin Erewhon, whom he had slain and defiled. Now he was king. Hoard had spent the last five years of his life raiding the southern lands and invading the jungle. His army of orcs and ogres was one of the largest in orc history. Leaving most of the civilized world alone, he had led his army south to the warm and rich soiled jungles. Here were the famed silver mines and fruiting trees. A paradise. A paradise to rape and conquer and devour, like everything else he had encountered in his life. The final battle proved to be one the easiest. A large tribe of amazons had held out in the deepest part of the jungle. As Hoard had told his men, "The bitches live in the deep part. Probably fucking baboons and snakes. We go there now to rape them, their land, and whatever else." That they did. The bitches had collected much silver and food from the forest. Hoard had laughed when he saw the baboon farm they had.

After raping the most beautiful of the women, Hoard ordered all of the wealth to be moved at once. Time to get the hell out of here. The rampage into the jungle had been prosperous, but it was too damn hot. Hoard preferred the cooler air near the mountains. Amazon slaves to sell to the ‘no pussy for me’ little gnomes. Ha ha.

"GET THEM IN LINE! WE MOVE OUT NOW!"

Hoard and his large army headed out of the jungle. It would be months before the got back to the plains north of here. Fucking bug ridden jungle. Hoard spat.

"BRILL!"

"Yes master?"

"Bring me a baboon to slay!"

"Yes sir!"

Brill, his servant, returned quickly to him with a medium sized baboon. Its arms were tied behind its back and Brill carried it by its neck. Hoard walked up to it and stuck his finger in the things eye, plucking it out and laughing. The baboon screamed and whelped. Hoard pulled out a dagger and cut the baboons ropes. The creature immediately lunged at him, trying to return the favor. Hoard quickly stepped to the side, and with a strong flick of the wrist, severed the baboon’s arm. The baboon sat there on the ground, by its arm for a moment, then quickly started off into the forest. Hoard threw the dagger in its direction and turned away. He didn’t even need to hear the "thunk" of the dagger in the baboon’s skull to know that it was dead. The army moved on.

Hoard made good on his plan. He made it back in four months. After settling back into the hills by the Great Mountains, he sent for the Gnomes to come and buy the filthy amazon whores from him. A week later the gnomes arrived. The head of the Gnome tribe approached Hoard after looking at the amazons.

"Master Hoard."

"WHAT! WHY DO YOU BOTHER ME YOU SMALL RODENT!?"

"Many of the women are pregnant. What use are they!?"

"THEY WILL SOON HAVE BASTARD MIXED ORC CHILDREN! GOOD SLAVES FOR YOU!"

"Ah! Yes sir. Then here is the gold we promised."

The gnome brought forth a large chest. Hoard nodded to two of his men who ripped the top of it off and began to count the gold.

"I REQUIRE ONE MORE THING!"

"I thought that the gold was all you wanted..."

"YOUR SECOND IN COMMAND! I WANT HIS HEAD. HE IS UGLY AND I DO NOT LIKE HIM. BRING HIS HEAD TO ME!"

"But..."
"NOW!".........

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The gnomes left that night, back to the mountains. The price they had paid was a large one but soon there would be many half-orcs to dig in the jewel mines.

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Hoard walked into his bed room. It was lavishly filled with many rich objects. Before he went to bed he prayed.

"Oh Grunthar, Lord of All Orcs. Thank you for the strength you have given me. Be assured, I have done all I could to carry your glory forth. Soon, I will pay my respect to you. I have defeated every orc warrior on the Earth, now I come for you."

And with that he went to sleep

PART 2

Pez
BY JESSICA VAN BRUNT

My Personality
BY RIVATIVE

Andie Pants
BY RYAN P. DUNCAN

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