INT. OFFICE - DAY

Men in business suits are walking around looking business-like.

INT. WATER COOLER

BOB is getting some water. MR. GLICKO, his boss comes over to talk.

MR. GLICKO
Bob! Hey I just wanted to say I really liked your style in how you closed the Hinkley account.

BOB
Well, thank you very much, Mr. Glicko.

Mr. Glicko pulls out a roll of one dollar bills, looks both ways, nods at Bob, and then peels off two dollars and puts them in the front of Bob's pants.

BOB
Wow, Mr. Glicko. The day's just getting started, and I'm already on a roll.

MR. GLICKO
Well, you've earned it, Bob.

Mr. Glicko looks at the roll of ones, and then at Bob.

MR. GLICKO (con't)
Oh, what the hay. That was such a hot job.

He sticks another bill in Bob's pants and leaves. As he walks away we see he is a little nervous, and that he knows very well that an employee like Bob would not even talk to him unless he was paying him.

Bob walks past a cubicle where CARL and MERL are hashing out numbers on an Excel spreadsheet. CUT TO:

INT. CUBICLE

CARL
Did you see that?

MERL
What, you mean Bob?

CARL
Yeah. He's got a bunch of singles sticking out of his pants.

MERL
Jesus. What the fuck?

CARL
That's what I said.

MERL
I mean, it's only 9:30.

CARL
Wonder who he's blowing.

MERL
Whom.

CARL
Oh yeah. Hume.

Merl looks at him like "what the fuck?" but then lets it go.

MERL
OK, let's finish these estimates so
Mergers and Acquisitions can do their thing.

CARL
Right.

MERL
OK, these figures look a little tight.

CARL
Too tight?

MERL
Well, it depends on what you're into.

CARL
Right.

MERL
Shit, 9:45 staff meeting.

CARL
Right. Let's go now so we can sit up front.

INT. BOARDROOM

A large table with executives sitting around it. Mr. Glicko is already sitting next to MELINDA JONES, his Vice President. Other executives come in. Mr. Glicko stands to greet each one.

MR. GLICKO
Here's a little something for you. And for you. And for you.

He puts dollars in each of the mens' pants as they enter. Melinda is glaring at him.

MELINDA
Listen. I thought we talked about this.

MR. GLICKO
WHAT? WHAT am i doing?

MELINDA
You know. . . That!

She points to his roll of ones as he is snapping a couple of singles into a fat exec's waistband.

MR. GLICKO
Sheeesh. Melinda. I'm so sorry. Old habits die hard. It's just that the boys are doing such a good job this week, and . . .

She's not having any of it. She stares at Glicko, indicating she wants the roll of ones. He looks at her waist. She is wearing a dress, and there is no belt or anyplace he can secure the money on her. Looking like a trapped rat, he hands her the wad.

MELINDA
Thank you.

She puts 50 bucks in his pants.

MELINDA (con't)
If i'm going to be your right hand man, you've
got to let me do the money. Otherwise these guys
aren't going to respect me, and they'll be going
over my head.

She puts a few bucks in an arriving executive's pants. The executive looks at Glicko for more, but Glicko resists the urge to tip him. The exec looks hurt and moves on.

MR. GLICKO
You can't tip Bernstein $5! He just made us a fortune on those Motorola stocks.

MELINDA
Treat a queen like a bitch and a bitch like a queen.

She tips the mailboy a crisp $100 bill.

MR. GLICKO
Melinda, you've got to stop thinking with your dick.

MELINDA
I know what I am doing. When I came here from
Bare Sterns you said I would have a free hand,
as long as I delivered results.

MR. GLICKO
Fine, fine. OK, this is your meeting. What have
you got to show me?

They sit and Melinda pushes a button on the boardroom table. The lighting in the room changes, and two poles come up from the table, making it into an erotic-dancer stage.

MR. GLICKO
Now this I like.

MELINDA
(to the room)
Budweisers are now seven dollars, gentlemen.

A couple of execs climb onto the table and start shaking it down.

INT. SAME OFFICE, THAT AFTERNOON

Execs with thick stacks of cash in their pants are walking around the office looking satiated. They have worked hard for their money -- some of them have ten to fifty thousand dollars in their pants.

RECEPTIONIST
Oh Mr. Bernstein? There's a call for you from that company you told me about.

BERNSTEIN
Thanks, Betsy.

He puts a ten in the tip jar at the reception desk.

BERNSTEIN (con't)
Give it to me in my office.

RECEPTIONIST
That's what SHE said.

Bernstein looks at her.

RECEPTIONIST (cont'd)
Old joke.

CUT TO:
INT. DOCUMENTARY-STYLE INTERVIEW WITH BERNSTEIN

Bernstein is sitting at his desk counting his stacks of money. He reaches into his sock garter and pulls out a couple of hundreds.

BERNSTEIN
(to camera)
Well, the day started kind of slow. And it made me wonder, because nobody closes a deal like me. I mean, that bitch Glicko brought in from Bare Sterns gave me five bucks, when i just made them like 7 million dollars or something. I thought, what am I, a whore? I mean, I work on Wall Street and everything, but I am not a prostitute, exactly. I just got into this work because of the pay, and because I've got my daughter at home, and it's hard raising a child, being a single parent. A lot of guys just do it for the money. But then at the meeting I'm thinking, what's going on here? I'm putting out for free, or something? I mean there are a lot of investment banks I could go to without an audition and get a prime spot on the board table. But then, after stringing me along and making me shake and slap it and everything, the tens and twentys started coming out. And, well, you can't really spread it, but you can come close, without really doing it, if you know what I mean. Anyway once I showed them what I've got then the hundreds came out. And it turned out she was just teasing me. I made fifty thou at that meeting, so I just called the headhunter back and said no thanks. That Melinda Jones is such a bucktease.

Bernstein starts to take off his suit.

BERNSTEIN
Don't get any ideas, here. I'm just knocking off early. I'm going to enjoy this weekend with my little girl. We're going to six flags.

He changes into normal, casual clothes. CAMERA follows him to the elevator. Other suits are congratulating him. He gets on the elevator.

SUIT
(behind his back)
Bitch.

EXT. WALL STREET - DUSK

Downstairs he unlocks his bicycle. We follow him as he rides out of the underground parking garage, through the streets of the financial district, and to his dirty/bohemian hovel on the lower east side.

INT. APARTMENT - EVENING

BERNSTEIN
Hi honey, I'm home. Guess whose daddy made fifty thou today?

His daughter, MINDY, is sitting on the sofa channel-surfing.

MINDY
Oh, daddy. When are you going to stop being a whore?

BERNSTEIN
Soon as you hit 18, baby. Soon as you hit 18.

*** CHECK OUT OUR DIET AD SERIES: "STUPID-MAGIC! 30 ADS IN 30 DAYS." EVERY DAY IN AUGUST A NEW, STUPID DIET AD WAS EXAMINED AND RIDICULED. ***

WWW.CRANK.COM
WWW.WATERBONG.NET
WWW.METABABY.COM

Videogames
COLLECTED BY TONY LEONARDO

Lion of Israel Goes Shopping
BY JEHUMSPHAT TROY

For Boys Only
JEFF KOYEN

• • •

EMAIL • ABOUT • WHERE CAN I PARK MY CAR IN BROOKLYN? • ARCHIVES • SUBMISSIONS • DIET AD COLLECTION • COOL! MORE ART • FLASH-O-MATIC • TODD'S RAMBLINGS • REVIEWS • THE CROSSED WIRE • HOME