FUCKAROUND
CHAPTER THREE: RALIC
by ERIC MESSENGER
Third in our Fuckaround D&D-stlye series. Always a treat for the avid adolescent. See Part 1 and Part 2.
Nestin and Harrine lived in the shittiest part of Durth. It was almost by choice. They never really tried to do shit. Ever since Ralic was six, he was good enough to steal everything they needed, as long as their life style was crap. So, they sat on their fat asses, only getting up to beat Ralic if he didn’t beg or steal enough to feed them. They had both been good-looking in their youth but now the only evidence of that was in Ralic’s face. He was almost fourteen now, getting stronger and faster. Their home consisted of two rooms: one bedroom, and one kitchen/living room. The couch in the living room could barely hold the obesity of Ralic’s parents. Most of the time their food consisted of the rats that came to nibble on Ralic in the middle of the night. They came through the holes in the walls, and thinking the half-naked boy was a corpse they would bite flesh from his body. Ralic would feel the bites of the large rats and quickly take his dagger to them. His mother would cook them up the next day for Nestin. Ralic didn’t even get a bowl of the rat stew.
I hate them. Why did this world give me the two shittiest parents. With all of the gods and the laws, why don’t I have more. Ralic would start each day with those thoughts. He quickly got up off the floor. He would only be a little sore. He had gotten used to it. He walked outside into the alley. Market will open soon, good day to beg.
After walking through the filth and the dung that was the pavement of the Lower Quarter’s streets, he arrived at the walls to the Merchant’s Quarter. As usual, there were ten guards at the gate, keeping most of the beggars and lepers out from the market. Most of the time, Ralic would simply sneak through the hole behind the mango merchant’s hut. Today, he tried something different. I feel bold. When he was about twenty feet away from the open gate, he took off. Sprint like the wind. The guards were taken by surprise. Three of them managed to grope for Ralic, but he nimbly dodged aside and then hit full speed. The armored guards had no chance to catch him, yelling warnings that they would find him. Ralic turned around.
"FUCK YOU!"
Ha ha. Slow fucking guards. I showed them. Now, lets get breakfast. Ralic wandered over to a bakery. Food. Food. I will trick the baker. Ralic walked up to the baker.
"Baker, what do you have that doesn’t taste like dung?"
"Get outta here rat!"
Ralic’s face turned sad and he started to turn around. Suddenly, he whirled around and gave the old baker the back of his hand. Stunned, the baker fell back a step. Ralic grabbed all of the bread he could and took off.
"Guards! Guards!"
No one can catch me. Ralic raced into an alley. He could hear shouts behind him as he ran. Looking over his shoulder he saw ten town guardsmen shouting for him to stop. He hesitated for second. Fuck it. He sprinted. A hail of crossbow bolts flew. Ralic heard the thwop and immediately rolled to the ground, losing some of the bread he had just stolen. The bolts thunked uselessly into the alley. They all missed. They can’t hit me. I’m invincible. Ralic rolled to his feet and took a turn down a side alley. The guards were chasing. Fucking guards....made me lose what I stole. Ralic sprinted around two more turns. Like a cat, he climbed up an old beat-up wall onto the roof of a short building. He stayed low.
"Fan out and find the little fucker!"
A guard with his sword drawn came walking beneath him two minutes later. Heh-heh. Ralic dropped down on him with his dagger. The edge caught the guard above the collar of his mailed vest. Ralic’s weight drove the point through the spine and into the larynx. Heheheheheeee! Ralic snatched the sword and the purse from the guard and ran through the alleys back to the Lower Quarter. I will kill them all. No one can harm me. No one can catch me. Ralic headed for home with a grin on his face and blood on his arm.
---------------
He put the sword in his sack and walked in his house.
"Boy. What do you have for us....bread! Ha ha!"
Nestin grabbed all the bread from the lad. Harrine almost got off her fat ass to get some of the bread.
"Boy, you got some good stuff today...hey...wait a minute...what the fuck is that blood on you. Come here!" The fat man grabbed for Ralic. Ralic jumped back away.
"Come here or I will beat the shit outta ya!!"
Ralic stepped forward. Nestin grabbed his arm and yanked him towards him.
"Little bastard! You do what I tell you too. What the fuck is this blood! hmmm? You kill someone. God dammit. Is the fucking law comin’ here to get ya. To get me!? You little mother fucker!" Nestin began hitting the boy in the face. "I’ll beat you to death!" Ralic grabbed the dagger he had in his belt and stuck the man in the gut. Nestin dropped Ralic and backed away screaming.
"Arrrrgh! You little bastard. That’s your ass!!" Ralic picked up his bag an ran out of there. Mother fucker. His fat ass will pay. I will get him back for this.
That night Ralic returned to the hut. His face was bloody and bruised from the earlier altercation. He climbed up onto the roof of the hut and opened a flask of oil, sprinkling its contents across the straw and wood cover of the shithole. He could hear his parents in the room below him.
"Little bastard. He had better not show his face around here. Look what he did to my gut! Almost killed me he did."
Fat man. Tonight you die. Ralic lit the oil. The blaze started quickly, spreading across the top of the hut. Ralic hopped down to the front door, the only exit from the building. He knelt by the side of the opening. Come here fat man.
"What the fuck is that — smoke? What the fuck!" The roof collapsed into the hut. Harrine was caught underneath a large fiery beam.
"Help me Nestin! Aahhh!"
"Fuck that! I’m outta here."
Nestin ran out of the building, slightly burned. Ralic drew the guards longsword and his dagger. He plunged them both into the back of the fat man. Heh heh heh heh. Nestin screamed in rage and pain as he fell to his knees. Ralic calmly walked in front of the man.
"Just wanted to let you see my face, for it is the vision you will carry to your grave."
"But....but..."
Ralic took the dagger quickly across the man’s neck before he could say anything. Nestin fell, choking on his own blood. That’s what you get fat man. You big ass bastard you are dead. Ralic cut off the man’s ears and put them in the bag. Heh heh...maybe now you will listen to me! Heh heh! Ralic then grabbed some trash and put it around him as he laid in the alley next to the burning hut. He laid his head down, warmed by the flames of the dwelling and the screams of his burning mother. For the first time in years, Ralic slept well.
In the morning, Ralic spat on the remains of the hut and headed to the Merchant’s Quarter. The Guild. I will join the guild. First, he got himself a decent set of clothes with the fallen guard’s cash. Then, he walked until he saw the man in the black clothes. He has bought and sold more stolen goods then I could imagine. He can help me. Ralic walked up to the man.
"Excuse me sir...I was hoping to...meet some friends that have the same...interests as me. I...like to...well, you know....take things...well, things that aren’t exactly mine."
"Boy. Maybe I can help you...do you have a name?"
"Yes...I am Ralic."
"Well Ralic the Taker, I am Huck. Follow me."
He lead Ralic to the Red Eye Tavern and calmly entered the back room. There, he removed a panel in the wall that lead down into the earth. They reached the bottom of the stairs and met two guards.
"What do we have here?"
"New recruit."
"Boy, you have any money? There is a fee for joining the guild."
"How much?"
"All you got."
Ralic slowly handed over the purse of the guard.
"Wow! This boy must have some talent. Check out the take he had on him. How did you get this!?"
"I took the guard’s life. Then I took his sword. And then I took his cash."
"Well, Huck, looks like you found a winner. Come right in boy."
• • •
Issue: June 9 - June 14, 2001
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